


just like heaven

by roguerey



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Luke Skywalker is there, M/M, Post-Movie: Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), The Cure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 22:14:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14578773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roguerey/pseuds/roguerey
Summary: newt is lost somewhere inside his own head, but he just hasn't realized it yet





	just like heaven

_ Newton, I know you’re still in there somewhere. Please, wake up. Newton.  _ **_Newton._ **

 

Newt blinks the sleep from his eyes and lets out a wide yawn. He rolls over on his side and immediately ends up with his face squished into Hermann’s back. Using one finger he lazily begins to trace abstract patterns across the soft cotton of Hermann’s sleep shirt, punctuated with scattered kisses to the fabric. 

Hermann stirs and opens his eyes. “Good morning, my love.” he says, voice still thick with sleep.

“Mmm, morning Herms.” Newt says, nuzzling his face into the junction of Hermann’s neck and shoulder.

“We need to get up, darling, we’re already going to be fifteen minutes late into the lab today.” Hermann says, checking the time on his phone.

Newt hooks one leg across Hermann’s waist and pulls him closer. “Well then what harm will another fifteen minutes do?”

Hermann disentangles himself from Newt and rises off the bed. Newt groans, wishfully closes his eyes for a few more seconds, and then follows suit.

All in all, it ends up being a fairly uneventful day in the PPDC lab. Hermann climbs up and down his ladder, scrawling equations in chalk on his enormous blackboard. Newt watches him from across the room as he gets up to his arms in guts from kaiju specimens. At around noon, they break for lunch and sit side by side in the PPDC canteen while eating their sandwiches and blue Jell-O. Once they’re done, they return to the lab and to their work.

Around 4 o’clock, Newt is just about to start a kaiju muscular tissue analysis, but is currently folding up several paper airplanes containing flirtatious messages that he can launch across the lab at Hermann’s head.

 

_ Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick. The one that makes me scream, she said. The one that makes me laugh, she said. Threw her arms around my neck. _

 

Newt is startled from his paper-folding by the far-off sound of familiar lyrics.

 

_ Show me how you do it and I'll promise you, I'll promise that I'll run away with you, I'll run away with you. _

 

“Hey Hermann, do you hear music coming from somewhere?”

Hermann turns around from his blackboard. “No? Do you?”

“Yeah I...I thought I did? Oh well, nevermind!” Newt calls back across the room.

Hermann  _ hmm _ s noncommittally and returns to his equations.

 

Later that night, Newt whines as Hermann mouths possessively at his neck. He reaches both hands into Hermann’s hair and tugs slightly, which causes Hermann in turn to bite down on the patch of skin right below his jaw.

“Ah! Fuck...Hermann…god. Enough of this already, just...ah...help me get my pants off.”

Hermann begins to comply and Newt flops his head back against the pillow in anticipation.

 

_ Spinning on that dizzy edge. Kissed her face and kissed her head. Dreamed of all the different ways, I had to make her glow. _

 

Newt suddenly sits up and begins to look around.

“Newton, is everything alright?” Hermann asks, pausing.

“Yeah I just...I thought I heard music again. Huh...weird. It’s probably just a song I have stuck in my head. Sorry!  _ Please _ carry on!”

Hermann rolls his eyes fondly and goes back to unbuttoning Newt’s jeans.

  
  


The next day is business as usual in the lab. Equations. Specimens. Bickering, but less annoyed and more flirtatious these days. Lunch together. Back to work. 

It’s right after they return to the lab from lunch that Newt hears it again.

 

_ ‘Why are you so far away?’ she said ‘Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you? That I'm in love with you?’ _

 

“Hermann!” he calls across the lab, “Just wanted to let you know that I’m finally going completely insane. I hope you can still love me despite that.”

“Newton, you’ve been completely insane for as long as I’ve known you. And I love you  _ because  _ of that, against my better judgement.” Hermann calls back dryly.

A few moments later, Newt feels Hermann standing behind him.

“On a serious note, Newton, is everything alright? What are you referring to?”

Newt turns around so he can look Hermann in the eyes.

“Eh, it’s probably nothing? But I don’t know, I seriously swear I keep hearing this song playing wherever I go, but you never seem to hear it, so I have to face the fact that I’m probably hallucinating it.”

“Hmmm…” Hermann says thoughtfully. “And you’ve been taking all your proper medications still?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Newt says. “But I’m pretty sure auditory hallucinations aren’t a symptom of anything I deal with, so I don’t think it’s that.”

“Well, if it’s not something that’s acutely causing you harm, then I don’t think it’s too much cause for concern. You’ve been working yourself rather hard lately, perhaps it’s simply exhaustion. Maybe what you need is a day off. And if it would give you any comfort, you could always go down to medical for a hearing check.”

"A day off  _ does _ sound tempting. As long as you promise to take it with me.”

“I don’t see why not.” Hermann says with a small smile.

 

A few hours later, Newt returning from a trip to the canteen to grab a coffee for himself and tea for Hermann. 

 

_ You, soft and only...you, lost and lonely...you, strange as angels. Dancing in the deepest oceans, twisting in the water… _

 

He stops in his tracks and drops both cups from his hands. There was  _ definitely  _ music coming from somewhere nearby. Not a hallucination. The real, audible vocals of Robert Smith were drifting down the hallway. Newt doesn’t even bother to pick up the spilled drinks as he turns to follow the sound.

He reaches the source of the music outside an unmarked door down an adjacent hall. He pulls on the handle and finds it unlocked, the door opening easily. Stepping inside, all his worst fears about going insane are immediately confirmed.

Sitting in a chair inside the room, in full Jedi robes, is none other than Luke Skywalker himself.

“Oh fuck” Newt exclaims. “I really am losing it. Hermann is gonna be so disappointed.”

Just to be sure, he closes his eyes and rubs at them hard with both hands, hoping that when he reopens them the hallucination will be gone.

He has no such luck.

“Is something the matter, Newt?” asks the hallucination that  _ cannot be _ but that he is for the time being mentally tagging as ‘Luke Skywalker’. “I thought you would be happy to see me.”

“Uh, sorry, but no can do. Definitely not happy to realize for sure that I’m going insane.” Newt says.

“Why don’t you close the door and come inside and we can talk about it?” ‘Luke’ asks.

Newt hesitates, before eventually doing as ‘Luke’ suggests.  _ Well, if I’m already going crazy, what harm can it do? _

He steps fully inside and sits down in a chair a few feet across the room from ‘Luke’. Now that he’s able to get a better look, he realizes that this hallucination in particular is almost identical in appearance to the wise, older version of Luke Skywalker that appears at the end of Episode VII. He is dressed in simple grey and tan robes, has a respectable depression beard, and the kind eyes of Mark Hamill circa 2016.

“Dude...this is so fucking weird.” Newt says.

“I agree that this situation does seem odd,” ‘Luke’ says with a laugh “but it is  _ your  _ mind.” He gives Newt an infuriatingly mysterious Jedi smile.

“Well I’m sorry that my insanity is taking notes from my childhood  _ Star Wars _ obsession! I can’t help that! Ugh, this is honestly so predictable…” Newt trails off, exasperated.

‘Luke’ shoots him another mystifying smile. “You’re not going insane, I promise.”

“Oh yeah? Well how else am I supposed to rationalize running into Luke Freaking Skywalker—a  _ fictional character _ — inside a random room in the Hong Kong shatterdome.”

“Use your brain, Newt. I know you have one.” Luke teases,  _ annoyingly _ .

Newt thinks for a moment, utterly at a loss.

“Wait a second...am I dreaming?” He frowns, confused again. “But wait, no, I’ve had weird dreams, but never like  _ this. _ This feels...different. And whenever I come close to realizing I’m dreaming, I always just wake up. So it can’t be that, can it?”

“‘Dreaming’ isn’t exactly the right word, but that might be the easiest way for you to understand it. Let’s just say you’re  _ buried.” _

“Buried? Under what?” Newt asks, more confused now than ever.

“Can’t you feel them Newt? Even now, can’t you feel them eating away in the back of your head?” ‘Luke’ asks cryptically.

Newt has  _ no idea _ what he is talking about. He can’t feel anything, aside from his own thoughts and emotions. But then...wait… there  _ is  _ something. It’s dark and dense like a tumor and hiding in the tissue of his brain and  _ oh my god  _ and his vision is starting to blur and-

“It’s ok, Newt.” someone,  _ Luke _ , is shaking him gently. “Don’t think about them right now. Focus on me. I need you to  _ focus _ , Newt.”

Newt is breathing way too rapidly. “What are they?” he asks in a panic.

“Precursors. They gained access to your brain after your first drift.”

“Drift...what...I didn’t... I drifted?” Newt feels a building pressure of the thoughts inside his head and everything is getting foggy and scrambled.

“Newt, you need to try your best to remember. That’s the only way this is going to work.”

Newt drops his head into his hands. “I don’t understand what’s happening. Oh my god none of this makes sense. I just want to go back to the lab. Maybe I can pretend I never saw any of this. That’s what I’m gonna do. Just go back to the lab and not tell Hermann anything and just pretend this never happened.”

He’s breathing too fast again and his head hurts and his vision is fading out and ‘Luke’ is shaking him again, or wait, maybe he’s just  _ shaking, _ but whatever is happening he just wants it all to  _ stop. _

He sits there a few moments, takes several deep breaths, and then finally looks up.

‘Luke’ is staring at him intensely with those piercing blue eyes.

“Newt, we both know that none of this is real.” He gestures with a robe-clad arm to the room around them.

“How do you expect me to believe that? What proof do you have.” Newt stubbornly, desperately, demands.

“Ok, answer me this.” says ‘Luke’ “You work in the lab all day, correct?”

Newt nods his head, unsure of where this is going.

“So then it shouldn’t be hard for you to tell me what you  _ do  _ all day, should it? What do you work on? What are you studying?”

“I…” Newt is suddenly getting confused again.

“The war is over” ‘Luke’ continues, “so what work is it that you do for the PPDC these days? Why do you and Hermann still live in the shatterdome?”

“We..we…” Newt stutters.

“It’s ok to be confused, Newt. In fact, you should be. Because none of this makes sense. Haven’t you noticed the little details that don’t add up?” ‘Luke’ asks gently.

“Yeah… I guess...but...I still don’t understand. If this isn’t real… then what  _ is _ this?”

“This is your brain trying to protect itself. It’s shielding you from the reality of what’s happening to you. It’s providing you with a comforting illusion. The shatterdome was one of the closest things to home you ever had. And even if you’d never admit it, those years in the lab with Hermann were the best of your life. You’re cognitively defaulting to a safer place because your brain doesn’t know how to handle what’s happening to it.”

With each word ‘Luke’ says, Newt’s headache is getting worse.

“What  _ is  _ happening to it?” Newt grits out.

‘Luke’ takes a deep breath before answering. “You’re being controlled. By the Precursors. They invaded your mind and they’ve been overriding your free will. They’re using you to try to take over the Earth again. They’re keeping your consciousness buried inside your own head while they’re controlling your actions.”

Newt shudders involuntarily. His head is killing him. He wants to yell and scream that this isn’t true. He wants to run out the door and back to the lab and to Hermann and to deny that any of this is happening. But he can’t. Because he can  _ feel them  _ now. He can feel the dark presence in the back of his head. And he needs to ask the question that he doesn’t want to know the answer to.

“How long?”

‘Luke’ just looks at him with a sad expression on his face.

“How long has it been like this? How long have they been controlling me?” Newt demands.

“Ten years” ‘Luke’ says grimly.

Newt’s eyes widen in horror.

“ _ Ten years _ ?! No. No no no that can’t be. I’ve been trapped inside my head being controlled by...by aliens for  _ ten years _ ?” His breath is coming rapidly again and he clenches his eyes shut.

He feels ‘Luke’s’ hand on his arm, steadying him.

“Newt...you need to listen to me and trust me. I know how bad it sounds but it’s not too late. Listening to me and doing what I say is your only way out.”

“But...if none of this is real...then  _ you’re  _ not real either, are you?”

“Of course I’m not real. I’m simply a product of your subconscious that  _ you  _ created to tell yourself the things you need to hear in order to break free from all of this. Even now, after all these years, your brain is  _ still fighting  _ them. It’s just getting creative about it. I’m guessing I’m manifesting in this form because I’m a figure that your brain knows you will trust. But in the end, I’m just you, Newt. I’m your brain trying to save you. So you need to do what I say so we can find a way out of this.”

“Ok...I guess that makes sense. But still, oh my god, it’s been  _ ten years.  _ That’s so long…” Newt takes a long, shaky breath. “What if...what if everyone’s given up on me?”

“ _ He  _ hasn’t given up on you.”

_ “Hermann…”  _ Newt breaths.

Then, suddenly, glimpses of reality come rushing back to him. A brief moment of lucidity. Hermann telling him  _ I still get nightmares.  _ A fight in an elevator. Sunglasses he doesn’t remember purchasing.  _ You are a good man, Newton.  _ The look of fear on Hermann’s face. His hands around Hermann’s-

“No!” Newt shakes his head, like he can physically cast the memories out of his mind.

“I  _ hurt _ people. I hurt… I hurt  _ Hermann.  _ Oh my god. I hurt so many people…”

‘Luke’ is gently rubbing his arms while Newt tries not to have a panic attack.

“Newt, it’s alright. Yes, the Precursors made you do horrible things, but if you don’t fight them off now, then you can never make it right again. Don’t you want to do that? Don’t you want to tell Hermann how sorry you are?”

“But what if it’s too late! What if I fucked things up too badly! What if there’s nothing left to go back to! I tried to  _ kill  _ him. Hermann should never forgive me for that.”

“But he  _ will.  _ Even if you don’t think you deserve it, you know he will. He loves you. You know that deep down. You saw it in the drift. And you love him too, Newt. And right now, he needs you. He’s been waiting for you for a very long time.”

Newt steadies himself and tries to think clearly.

“But… it’s been ten years. I don’t know  _ how _ to fight them, or I would have already. Why should now be any different?”

“Because Hermann’s out there  _ right now _ trying to save you.”

“But how do  _ you _ know that?!” Newt demands. “You’re just a product of my subconscious, you said so yourself. You don’t know anything more than I do.”

‘Luke’ gives him a steady look. “Can’t you hear the music?”

 

_ And found myself alone, alone, alone above a raging sea. That stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me... _

 

“Wait, that’s not you? That’s real?”

“He’s out there right now trying everything he can think of to get you back. He must be hoping that hearing your old records might help bring you to the surface.”

Newt’s heart swells and feels his eyes start to water. “Oh my god... _ Hermann _ .”

‘Luke’ smiles at him. “See, I told you he’s waiting for you.”

“Ok. Tell me what to do. How do I get back?” Newt says, now determined.

“You know that headache you’ve been feeling ever since you started realizing what’s really going on?”

“Yeah.”

“Well you need to lean into it. I won’t lie to you, it’s going to hurt. A lot. But you need to follow that pain and let it ground you until you’re out of this dream and back in reality.”

“Ok.”

Newt is about to do as he’s told, but stops at the last second.

“Wait...when I wake up, they’ll still be there, won’t they? The Precursors?”

“Unfortunately, yes, I believe so.” ‘Luke’ replies. “This won’t be a permanent solution. But it will allow you to be yourself again, even if only briefly. You need to make the most of what time you have when you resurface. But at least you’ll be able to speak with Hermann and to let him know you’re still fighting.”

“Alright.” Newt says, “I think I’m ready.”

“And this time,” ‘Luke’ adds, “you won’t be fighting them alone.”

Newt grits his teeth and lets the pain take over.

  
  


Newt blinks his eyes as the room around him comes into focus. It is a small cell, and he realizes that he is sitting restrained in a chair. There is a figure sitting in a chair close in front of him, eyeing him warily.

“Hermann!” Newt gasps.

“Newton?” Hermann asks, jerking to full alertness. “Is that really you?”

“Oh my god, Hermann. Yes, it’s me. It’s me.”

He barely has time to react as he feels Hermann throw his arms around him as best as he can.

“Newton, I was afraid I’d lost you for good.” Hermann says as he clings to him.

“It’s ok, Hermann. I’m here. I’m back.”

Over Hermann’s shoulder, he sees his old record player from his Hong Kong shatterdome apartment sitting on a table.

 

_ You, soft and only _

_ You, lost and lonely _

_ You, just like heaven _

 

He closes his eyes and lets himself get lost in the comfort of Hermann’s arms as the song comes to an end. 

**Author's Note:**

> hmmm so i'm not really sure how i feel about this now that it's finished but i'm gonna post it anyway. comments and feedback are much appreciated! this was just kinda a weird idea i had that i then got the urge to turn into a fic. idk. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @newtbiszler


End file.
